The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.